


Even if there is no forever, just for now, it is enough

by TouHaru_Rights



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But TouHaru rights, But i was tired, Fluff and Angst, Haruka has a nightmare, Haruka has traumas, Haruka is hurt and needs comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I mean... they don't kiss or anything, I wanted to write Minami comforting him too, M/M, OOC (I guess), Sort Of, Takamasa ruining lives, Torao comforts him a bit too, TouHaru can be romantic or platonic, Touma comforts him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:40:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26352058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TouHaru_Rights/pseuds/TouHaru_Rights
Summary: There is nothing real in the word "forever". There is no such thing as forever, and there never was. It is not just a couple of seconds and it is not a long moment. Because if it really were forever, then it would never end.
Relationships: Inumaru Touma & Isumi Haruka, Inumaru Touma & Isumi Haruka & Midou Torao & Natsume Minami, Inumaru Touma/Isumi Haruka, Midou Torao & Isumi Haruka
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Even if there is no forever, just for now, it is enough

**Author's Note:**

> The tittle of the final draft was: "Endless suffering", and i'm still suffering cause no matter how much i reread this i just don't feel like it's right. I feel like my phrasing is so wrong, not to metion my grammar, but i guess it doesn't matter- I'm writing this more for me and just posting it because "why the hell not?"  
> Also, this is probably really OOC, mostly Haruka, so you have been WARNED.  
> I had fun doing this, so if you manage to read all 4K words then you have my gratitude.

How long is _forever?_ That’s a good question, because a final answer doesn’t really exist.   
Sometimes “forever” is long. Those occasions are when time is mercilessly lengthened, dragging the desire of whoever suffers it for everything to end, for everything to finally be over;those are times when everything seems unbearably long, when time even seems to stop, and nothing dares to move. That "forever" is painful, distressing, _unbearable._

_To tell you the truth, you are a disappointment._

But there is also another "forever", one that passes so quickly that even a blink is longer, one that lasts just for a few seconds and then disappears, or so it would seem; one in which you can feel all the happiness in the world in only a short time-lapse, one that you wish would never finish, but even that "forever" has an ending. Sometimes such a short “forever” is even more painful than any long, distressing one.

_What I want is you, Isumi Haruka._

So... how long is _forever?_ Is it so long that it’s impossible to endure? Or is it so short that it’s painful to see it end? Or maybe even...

_Haru, I’m glad you’re here._

It could be something that’s so warm that even nearing it would burn, something that can bring both happiness and despair, something that you would never want to see ending, even if it is the most painful thing in the world, even if it is torture… there are things... that you wish would last forever, regardless of the pain they cause or how terrible they truly are, because... there is no pain that’s bigger than...

_I doubt you will ever manage to become my ideal idol._

The end of everything. Because there is nothing worse than waiting for so long, than wishing with every tiny bit of your soul, than _longing_ so desperately for a “forever” that is denied to you, one that draws a painful end... because of _you_ , for your _fault_ and for your _failures_. Because you know that if you had made something different, if you had been more, if only you had been _enough_ , then maybe that "forever" wouldn’t had to reach such a painful ending.

_"Don't go-! Please-!"_

But they would all eventually leave. No one is going to stay, no matter how much you scream, no matter how much you cry, because “forever” has an end, because you could never be _enough_ no matter how hard you try. Because you lost...

_Because if you had done more, we would have won._

No, there is nothing real in the word "forever". There is no such thing as forever, and there never was. It is not just a couple of seconds and it is not a long moment. Because if it really were forever, then it would never end.

_Sorry, I don’t want to look at a failure like you any longer._

**~**

"Ah!" The room was filled with darkness when Haruka suddenly woke up with a scream, sitting straight on his futon, far more than what he could bear while looking around him in his now startled state.

_"A nightmare?"_ For him, waking up after a nightmare in complete darkness was too much, it messed up with his nerves in a disproportionate way, much so that the room suddenly seemed to shrink around him, and no matter how hard he tried to get some air into his lungs, all he managed to do was hyperventilate loudly while closing his eyes and wishing for some source of light.

_"You have to calm down! You’ll wake up the others!"_ Haruka placed one hand on his chest and the other over his mouth, desperately trying to stifle his erratic breathing, and probably his sobs, as he tried to catch his breath. And if it seemed like a completely impossible task, it is because it was.

He looked around, praying with all his might that no one had woken up by his heavy breathing and crying, how could he let any of his friends see the mess he currently was? How could he? It was impossible. He didn't want to be teased, he didn't want any questions, he didn't want any worry, he didn't want to remember anything about his nightmare at all. He just wanted to get out that tiny and awful room, he wanted to escape somewhere else, turn on the light and cry until everything stopped hurting so much.

Alone. Completely alone. As he always was when he woke up after a nightmare.

He was grateful, after frantically looking in every possible direction, that no other person in the room had woken up, or at least that they hadn't gotten up, because Haruka looked so fast to his surroundings that he wasn't even sure if he had correctly identified the place where every other ŹOOĻ member slept.

He took his hand away from his mouth to wipe away the tears that, somehow, he managed to hold back after wiping his face. He took one last breath, luckily getting some air into his lungs correctly, then he tried to get up, although he felt his legs shake, threatening to fall a couple of times as he walked to the door of the room.

It was pure luck that he managed to exit the room without waking anyone, unfortunately, that luck only lasted until he reached the kitchen, where he had to hold on to the counter next to the fridge to regain his balance since his legs had given up from trying to walk steadily, and Haruka was sure he made some noise when he hit one of his hands against the surface of the counter.

“Fuck” Haruka cursed under his breath, hoping that the loud banging sound that he could hear so close to him was only his own heart trying to burst out of his chest.

_But they would all eventually leave._

It wasn’t his intention to remember any of the scenes that plagued his nightmares and that constantly appeared in his dreams regardless of whatever happened during the day, but the words seemed to rumble in his mind and no matter how hard he tried to ignore them, the words kept being replayed without end on his head and close to his ears. 

_No one is going to stay._

No, no one would, would they? Even when he was in the same room as his “friends”, he had avoided waking them up at all costs, why? Why, if he hated loneliness so much? Couldn't he at least have stayed in the same room as the rest of ŹOOĻ while trying to calm down? _"I don't want to be alone... but then why-"_

That desperate though was all it took to make him hyperventilate again. And he noticed, after a couple of seconds of irregular breathing and violent shakes, that he was already crying, and even though he was trying with all his might to keep the volume of his sobs as low as possible, it didn't seem to work as much as he would like, but at least he was sure that he wasn't crying as loudly as he used to when he was all alone. Instead of that, he could feel himself trembling a lot more.

_Because if you had done more, we would have won._

"But I did everything I could! I tried _so_ hard!" Was he shouting? Or was it just his head throwing those desperate words so they would echo in his mind? Haruka wasn't quite sure, but he covered his mouth anyways in case anything else threatened to come out of his throat.

How on earth did he agreed to stay the night with the rest of his group knowing that most nights the nightmares woke him so loudly?

“Haru?”

Haruka stopped breathing. His back tensed, or rather, his whole body did. He didn't turn around, didn't move, he just swallowed hard, not daring to move an inch as he closed his eyes tightly, hoping his trembles weren’t as noticeable as he suspected. He didn't want _Touma_ of all people to see him in that awful state, he didn't know the reason, he just was sure he didn't want to.

“Hey, you know that eating this late in the morning is bad, right?” Touma's voice seemed normal, the same as always, the same that Haruka, without being aware of it, loved to hear, but he noticed that there was a small tone of concern in the dept of those words. "People say it makes you gain weight faster." Was Touma getting closer to him? Or was it just his imagination? He wasn’t sure, he couldn't hear Touma's footsteps if he was indeed taking them because his heart was beating so fast and so hard in his chest that that was the only sound he could hear.

"…I was hungry." Haruka said, but even to him, his own voice felt completely different from his usual self, it was shaking and threatening to break down in tears and sobs again, it was so weak that he wasn’t even sure if Touma had heard it at all. “Besides, you are here too.” _"At least that sounded more natural",_ or that’s what he thought, that’s what he wanted to believe.

Touma seemed to laugh, although it felt forced, nervous, not at all like his casual laugh, it caused Haruka's heart to clench painfully. He really was being a problem for Touma, wasn't he?

"I just wanted some water" Touma replied, and if that was a lie then Touma did his best to make it believable by taking a glass from the shelf dangerously close to Haruka’s head and filling it with water. “Although I don’t think that you should eat this late.”

Silence. Quiet. Long. So long and uncomfortable. Because Haruka didn't feel like saying anything, his voice was about to crack and he could feel it, much so that he had to bite his lip when he felt that he could no longer contain the sounds that wished with such a nerve-wrecking force to come out of his mouth. He soon realized that it was not a good plan, nor an effective strategy, as small sounds closer to sobs managed to escape into the quiet room, regardless of how hard he tried to avoid it.

_Theywill **all** leave._ " _Everyone will”_

**_No one_ ** _isgoing to stay. "No one”_

_Because you will **never be enough**. _“Never...”

That was true, wasn't it? And it didn't matter how much he wished it wasn't true, because he couldn't deny it, it was reality, right? “For no one I’ll ever...” _"...be enough"_

Was he crying again? He didn't even notice, just as he wasn’t aware of what he muttered moments ago, but it seemed like, good or bad luck, Touma hadn't heard him, either that or he didn't really care what Haruka might have said in such a small and weak voice, and the second option was an idea too painful for his heart to bear without clenching painfully.

_If only you had been more..._

“Haru…”

_Then maybe it would have been forever._

Maybe Haruka was too exhausted, or maybe that nightmare combined with all the crying had drained every bit left of strength in him. Either was likely, since every part of him felt so tired, so weak, so worn out, it all trembled so much, it all hurt so much, that when he tried to get out of the kitchen his legs failed again. He felt all his body going down in an instant as his knees bent, and he was sure that he had fallen, but nothing physically hurt, and he was still standing when he noticed, his weight being mostly supported by Touma.

“Huh?” Haruka blinked in confusion when his brain processed his surroundings again, but he was lost, he didn't know how to react to the way Touma had hugged him from behind jus to prevent him from falling. Touma’s arms felt so strong around his waist, and his chest was warm, comfortable even, and, as strange as it was, he felt a little bit of security with Touma's breath so close to his ear.

"Touma?" He couldn't help but whisper in confusion as he melted into the warm embrace of his partner, nonetheless, it was still difficult for him to process the situation as thousands of questions wandered in his mind. How close was Touma to him? Was it just another dream? Or was it real? Well, he surely couldn’t be imagining such a situation with that much detail, being that he was able to feel Touma's heartbeat against his back. Fast, so fast and hard, almost like his own. It just felt too real to be a dream.

But why? Why did Touma even bother to prevent him from falling? After all, he was going to sooner or later.

"Haru," Touma was worried, and Haruka could hear it so clear through his voice, could even feel it clearly through the constant pounding in his chest. “I'm here.”

Silence. How could Haruka react to such words? How could he, when they were said with such affection, such warmth and concern? How, if that made his heart throb inside his chest? He couldn’t.   
He, once again, completely froze in his position, the difference was that now his body wasn’t tense, he rather seemed to sink more and more into the warmth and comfort that his partner gave him.

"I'm here," Touma repeated next to his ear, holding his waist tighter. Funny, Haruka noticed, Touma’s breath tickled a little, he guessed that they were really close then. “That's why you don't have to suffer alone. If it hurts, if it bothers you, if you can't fight it anymore, I'll help you lessen those feelings.” The words were so warm, so soft, so comforting, that Haruka didn’t feel like he had the strength to fight back the tears that escaped his eyes at that very moment. “I know you are strong, and I admire that from you, but even though I know, I don't want to see you restrain everything like that, because I can't endure it when I see you cry and feel that I'm not able to help you. That's why I want you to understand that _I'm here,_ and that I will be every time you need me...”

Haruka felt like Touma was going to keep on with his speech, and he was sure that he wouldn’t stand it any much longer without completely breaking down, so he turned around in his partner’s arms, covering Touma’s mouth with one of his hands while keeping his head down. If their eyes met, Haruka was sure that he would snap.  
Haruka was shaking, repressed sobs escaped his lips, and when he rested his head on his partner's shoulder, Touma felt Haruka’s tears wetting his shirt.

“Will you… dump me?” The younger said between sobs with a weak, trembling voice, remembering that one line from his dream while Touma hugged him with the same strength as before: _“There has never been a forever”._

Touma rested his head against Haruka's as he closed his eyes, he moved one of his hands to the other’s back, doing gentle moves up and down with comforting slowness. “I won't leave unless that’s what you want.”

_"Ah..."_ Haruka sighed against Touma's shoulder, a few shaky breaths escaping after he had done so, _"…so this is Touma's ‘forever’."_ A small shadow of a smile passed over Haruka's lips before disappearing entirely. “Then don't leave. Even if I lose a thousand times... and then lose a thousand more… don't dare to fucking leave.”

Silence. One that completely terrified Haruka in the middle of trying to hold back his tears. A silence that seemed eternal and _endless_ , one that brought everything to a halt and strained him to the core once again.

But, although it seemed like the silence would become even longer, the endless found an end, and Haruka felt Touma hugging him even tighter before breaking that terrifying silence. "I wouldn’t fucking dare." And Touma held Haruka for as long as he needed as he burst into tears.

**~**

They were in the kitchen for what seemed a long time, in the same position, with Haruka's sobs and erratic breaths filling the room until he finally felt a little more at ease and managed to calm down, turning his inconsequent breathing into softer ones against Touma's shoulder.  
For that to happen the two of them must had spent a considerable amount of time in the same position, although neither of them really cared about that. It was rather a comfortable way to be, at least until Touma began to feel like his legs ached from being standing without moving for so long.

It was when he felt that if he continued in the same posture he would fall and drop Haruka at any moment, that he lightly moved Haruka's shoulder to get his attention, hearing a soft sound in response that probably meant that Haruka was paying attention. “Haru, shouldn't we get back with the others?”

He heard Haruka sigh as he raised his head, staring straight at him for what seemed to be the first time in all night. Touma noticed that Haruka looked quite tired, at least from the sleepy expression he had, on top of that, his eyes were slightly red from everything he had previously cried, and his cheeks still had traces of tears that had fallen down his face.  
Touma didn't resist the urge to bring one of his hands to his partner's face and run his fingers gently over Haruka’s cheeks, wiping away any trace that his tears may have left.

He saw Haruka close his eyes as Touma moved his fingers over his face, his cheeks turning a light and cute red that stayed there even when Touma pulled his hand away. "Aren't you tired?" Haruka opened his eyes again, letting a tired sigh escape his lips as he placed his head back on Touma's shoulder.

"Sleep with me." Haruka's voice was hoarse, weak, and seemed to slowly make its way out of his throat, but at least it no longer sounded as shaky, sad, and _terrified_ as it had before. Rather, it felt like the same demanding voice that Touma was used to hear, and it was likely that the youngest was completely embarrassed when making that request, but just hearing it made Touma's heart leap with joy and relief.

He wanted to do so much for Haruka, he wanted the younger to be happy and smile, no matter the cause, he just wanted to see his smile. He wanted him to be able to cry on his shoulder if he needed to, he wanted Haruka to be able to talk to him if he felt suffocated, and if he felt that way, he wanted to help Haruka feel better, even if it was only a little, because that would make Touma happy, even if it’s only for a brief moment.

“If that helps you then I’m fine with it.” Because Inumaru Touma doesn't want to imagine the boy in his arms crying desperately in his room _all alone_ , because the very thought of it tears his soul apart and fills his heart with sorrow.

“Let's go back then.”

**~**

Strangely enough, Haruka woke up before anyone else, although he still felt like he needed to get some more sleep, he was the first one to open his eyes and feel the rays of sunlight streaming through the window onto his face. And it was quite annoying having all that light over his eyes while trying to sleep, but he couldn't move from his position to avoid it, since Touma was still completely asleep beside him and he didn't seem to want to let go of him unless Haruka disturbed his sleep.

And he considered the idea for a second, but waking Touma after having kept him on his feet for so long at night (or early morning, it didn’t really matter that much), sounded really ungrateful of him. But that didn't stop the disgusting light that entered the room through the half-closed curtain from landing right on his face, and it was extremely annoying no matter how hard he tried to ignore it.

"Hey…" Haruka moved Touma's shoulder, getting no response at all, which frustrated him and made the annoyance that the light caused him to be even worse. “Touma” ŹOOĻ’s center wasn’t exactly patient, but he still had a minimum sense of gratitude left in his heart, so he tried, and god knows that he tried with all his might, not to yell and hit his partner to wake him up. He was TRYING to be grateful.

_"Damn you idiot...",_ Haruka cursed his partner in his head after repeating his name for the fifth time and moving his shoulder to no avail. He was beginning to feel irritated, but fortunately, and before he lost all the little patience he still had, he heard a slight sound coming from the nearby place where other of his friends had been sleeping.

He heard groans and guessed that it was most likely Torao getting up in a bad mood, that or Torao was just having a bad dream that made him shift and complain one hell of a lot.

“So annoying... you damn brat...” Yup, Torao had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, and it was likely that it was Haruka's fault for shifting so much and so early in the morning, but hey! It was mostly Touma's fault for not waking up when Haruka silently requested it.

"If you close the window, we can both go back to sleep." Haruka declared, turning his head as far as he could to look at Torao and warn him that he was _serious._

Luckily, after many complaints and grunts, he managed to get Torao to close the curtains for him. Or so he thought, because before taking the curtains into his hands, Torao gave Haruka an odd expression, one that only meant that he couldn’t expect anything good from Torao. Something like: _"Suffer with me"._ And Torao’s expression didn’t lie to him, because Torao finally took the curtains, and before Haruka could warn him to not do something stupid, Torao had already spread out the curtains.

The light was UNBEARABLE, but even more unbearable was the scream that Torao gave when the light completely flooded the room. "Wake up everyone! Breakfast won't make itself if no one gets up!"

The peaceful room was suddenly full of sound, or rather chaos. Complaints and claims from Haruka, surprised sounds from Touma, and the worst of all, a flying pillow that landed completely on Torao's face and caused an irritatingly loud exclamation from the older. The pillow, of course, was courtesy of Minami, who, after ignoring Torao's complaints and throwing a couple more pillows at him, smiled as if that whole episode hadn't happened and got up as normal, saying that he would make breakfast for everyone but Torao.

And while Minami left the room, Haruka couldn’t help but laugh at Torao and his utterly offended expression, just as Touma didn't avoid a little chuckle before getting up as well, probably to help Minami with breakfast and maybe convince him to make something for Torao as well.

"That was your fault." Haruka said after laying down comfortably in his place again, not that he planned to continue sleeping after that chaotic episode, but the sheets and pillow were really comfortable, even with all the light coming into the room, maybe because it now filled the entire room and not just his face.

Torao clicked his tongue in annoyance, but Haruka, even with his eyes still closed, was able to feel the slight smile of his partner when he complained back at him. “It was yours for waking me up.”

Haruka looked up at Torao. Torao cocked his head with a confused face as he looked back at Haruka.  
Haruka sighed, feeling a soft small smile creep onto his lips. And while Torao seemed to be lost in trying to decipher Haruka's thoughts, the youngest reached out his hand in his comfortable position from the sheets and pillows. Confusion was the only thing Haruka saw on Torao's face, and that, for some reason, felt strangely amusing.

"We both know we're only going to slow down breakfast if we go, so stop wasting time standing there and come sleep for a bit." Maybe Haruka was feeling generous, maybe. But that didn’t mean that those words caused him less embarrassment, and he soon felt his face a bit more warm and slightly red.  
And the embarrassment became even worst when Torao laughed at him, which made him want to hit the other right then and there to make him stop, but, strangely enough, he didn’t feel like he regretted his words

And he would have hit him for real if Torao hadn’t started moving, taking the place where Touma had previously slept, settling down next to him, close, but not as close as Touma was just minutes ago. “Minami will kill us if we arrive too late for breakfast.”

“And so will he if we either screw it up or interrupt him. What’s your point?”

“You guys are really hard to satisfy, aren’t you?”

“I’m not that hard to satisfy, you’re just dumb.”

“Rude.”

“You can buy me something sweet, I’m sure that would satisfy me.”

“I laid down here, I was trying to satisfy you, but I can see that my efforts are not enough...”

Silence. One short and comfortable in which Torao closed his eyes with all the intention of sleeping. A silence that passed in the blink of an eye and ended when Haruka said in a soft whisper: “It’s more than enough...”

Haruka closed his eyes as well, humming softly into the silence of the atmosphere in the room. His chest still hurt a bit, and he knew it would never stop hurting, after all, some memories, as well as scars, are forever. But at least he wasn’t all alone while dealing with them anymore. He had friends that would be there. If the atmosphere felt too heavy to breath, then his friends would give him some of their breaths. If he were too afraid to move, they would pull him along and stand by his side. And if the rules weren’t for them, then they would break them _together_. And those thoughts, even if they may not be real, lessened the pain in his chest.

So, it was enough. “And it will always be...”

**Author's Note:**

> Thak you so much if you finished my mess of words! Kudos and comments are really appreciated!  
> Also- I really wanted to write a scene with Minami and Haruka, but i did't managed to cause i was tired and i really doubted that anyone would read that much.  
> But if you want to know hoy Minami comforted Haruka, he did Haru's favorite food for breakfast and when Haruka said that he really enjoyed Minami's cooking, Mina told him that he could make any food Haru liked every time he needed it, and when Haru thanked him, Minami said to him something like: "If that's what I can do to make you feel a little bit better, Isumi-san, then I will gladly do it."
> 
> Idk, maybe i'll write it-  
> Anyways, thanks for reading and i really hope you enjoyed it~!


End file.
